Mental health and me: article

I doubt that any one of us will forget the moment we realised that we were going to Trinity. For me it was as I stared dumbstruck at the A1 in Agricultural Science – I had gained a passport to study English and History, my two passions, in the nation’s best college. It had been a long time coming – over-eager freshman doesn’t begin to describe my feeling last September. I had notebooks, pens, clothes, shoes and ambition pouring out of me, geared up for the best year of my life. What it turned out to be was by far the hardest, but also the most beneficial – in the long run, it’s what’s given me the confidence to write this article.

As something of a perfectionist, I’ve always been a bit anxious. I like things to go right and worry about things that might never happen. To me, however, the word “anxiety” conjures images of paper bags and swooning. I’ve always been far too sensible for that kind of thing. My life as of September 2012 seemed perfectly in order. By JF logic, I would take TCD by storm and the whole college would know my name. Optimism to the point of arrogance overwhelmed me, but this soon came crashing down. TCD changes a body, no more so than me. First of all, there was the academic competition. Other students seemed to know more, say more and study more than I did. In my head, they were tearing through literary criticism while I wondered what the hell Freud was talking about. Furthermore, friends and classmates become involved in societies, the union and newspapers while I struggled to make 9am classes and meet deadlines. I understand that college takes adjustment but this felt like more than that – a nameless, hopeless feeling of “why is everyone Trinity-ing better than I am?” As a self-confessed Big Fish In A Small Pond, this (real or imaginary) competition with my whole year soon took me over.

This competitive nature started out fine, but soon turned into a little voice in my head telling me why I wasn’t as good as everyone else. It’s easy for your brain to trick you into thinking that you’re too boring, too lazy, and too awful to get anything done. It made me feel unattractive and unproductive to the point that I wished I hadn’t chosen TCD at all. English, my favourite subject, was difficult and History was boring. Worst of all, no one seemed to share my concerns – everyone seemed to be having the time of their lives while I tried not to cry from confusion, loneliness and shame.

By Christmas, I was ignoring work, classmates and dealing with gnawing feelings of panic almost daily. This came to a head in January – someone close to me told me I needed help. I’ve never considered myself “that guy” in terms of mental health – I could always handle it myself. However, a new, softer voice inside me told me that maybe getting wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I have a really strong memory of browsing SpunOut.ie (an amazing resource for young people) and seeing the “anxiety” page. Out of curiosity, I clicked the link, and almost every tell-tale sign applied to me.

Fast forward six months and I’ve been to a lot of counselling and talked to many people close to me about my mental “quirk”. I’m a terribly cheerful Senior Freshman who still gets bouts of worry, but I’ve learned how to deal with it as well as I can. So what compelled me to work through my story again? It’s not exactly fun to think about. Well, I have something to tell the students of TCD, from scared freshman to sabbat: it’s okay not to feel okay when everyone tells you you should be okay. One of my pet hates is the “you have nothing to worry about!” attitude, because anxiety doesn’t care if you have causes or not. The idea put forth that first year is the best year of your life is potentially kind of damaging – first year of college is a rollercoaster of terror, exhaustion, adventure and yes, fun. It’s life changing and very, very scary. And it’s okay not to enjoy it. I didn’t, and I’ll tell anyone who listens that. I hated the first year of college. But you know what? I love second year. I’m delighted I stayed where I was.

I almost didn’t. While anxiety is rarely life-threatening, it can be hugely detrimental. I almost dropped out of TCD because I felt I couldn’t cope with the intellectual gulf between myself and my peers. My competitive, worrying nature almost stopped me from doing what I love. What I hope comes from this article is that this doesn’t happen to anyone else: that students realise that it gets better, should they want it enough. I admit that this is horribly difficult at times – counselling, therapy or even admitting you’re feeling blue is nerve wracking to say the least. However, it’s often the hardest part of the process: letting the floodgates open is often the biggest relief in the world.

College is amazing for mental health. We have S2S, the Student Counselling Service and a fantastic team of officers who refuse to let the stigma of mental health problems stick in Trinity. So this week, I want everyone to take a step back and think about how they’re feeling. If it’s a bit down, I want them to talk to someone else about it. So remember: it’s okay not to enjoy the club nights, the lectures or even college life. The more we talk, the more good we do, and the more good we do, the more we can change the way we act on mental health as a nation.