I doubt that any one of us will forget the moment we
realised that we were going to Trinity. For me it was as I stared dumbstruck at
the A1 in Agricultural Science – I had gained a passport to study English and
History, my two passions, in the nation’s best college. It had been a long time
coming – over-eager freshman doesn’t begin to describe my feeling last
September. I had notebooks, pens, clothes, shoes and ambition pouring out of
me, geared up for the best year of my life. What it turned out to be was by far
the hardest, but also the most beneficial – in the long run, it’s what’s given
me the confidence to write this article.
As something of a perfectionist, I’ve always been a bit
anxious. I like things to go right and worry about things that might never
happen. To me, however, the word “anxiety” conjures images of paper bags and
swooning. I’ve always been far too sensible for that kind of thing. My life as
of September 2012 seemed perfectly in order. By JF logic, I would take TCD by
storm and the whole college would know my name. Optimism to the point of
arrogance overwhelmed me, but this soon came crashing down. TCD changes a body,
no more so than me. First of all, there was the academic competition. Other
students seemed to know more, say more and study more than I did. In my head,
they were tearing through literary criticism while I wondered what the hell
Freud was talking about. Furthermore, friends and classmates become involved in
societies, the union and newspapers while I struggled to make 9am classes and
meet deadlines. I understand that college takes adjustment but this felt like
more than that – a nameless, hopeless feeling of “why is everyone Trinity-ing
better than I am?” As a self-confessed Big Fish In A Small Pond, this (real or
imaginary) competition with my whole year soon took me over.
This competitive nature started out fine, but soon turned
into a little voice in my head telling me why I wasn’t as good as everyone
else. It’s easy for your brain to trick you into thinking that you’re too
boring, too lazy, and too awful to get anything done. It made me feel
unattractive and unproductive to the point that I wished I hadn’t chosen TCD at
all. English, my favourite subject, was difficult and History was boring. Worst
of all, no one seemed to share my concerns – everyone seemed to be having the
time of their lives while I tried not to cry from confusion, loneliness and
shame.
By Christmas, I was ignoring work, classmates and dealing
with gnawing feelings of panic almost daily. This came to a head in January –
someone close to me told me I needed help. I’ve never considered myself “that
guy” in terms of mental health – I could always handle it myself. However, a
new, softer voice inside me told me that maybe getting wouldn’t be such a bad
idea. I have a really strong memory of browsing SpunOut.ie (an amazing resource
for young people) and seeing the “anxiety” page. Out of curiosity, I clicked
the link, and almost every tell-tale sign applied to me.
Fast forward six months and I’ve been to a lot of
counselling and talked to many people close to me about my mental “quirk”. I’m
a terribly cheerful Senior Freshman who still gets bouts of worry, but I’ve
learned how to deal with it as well as I can. So what compelled me to work
through my story again? It’s not exactly fun to think about. Well, I have
something to tell the students of TCD, from scared freshman to sabbat: it’s
okay not to feel okay when everyone tells you you should be okay. One of my pet
hates is the “you have nothing to worry about!” attitude, because anxiety
doesn’t care if you have causes or not. The idea put forth that first year is
the best year of your life is potentially kind of damaging – first year of
college is a rollercoaster of terror, exhaustion, adventure and yes, fun. It’s
life changing and very, very scary. And it’s okay not to enjoy it. I didn’t,
and I’ll tell anyone who listens that. I hated the first year of college. But
you know what? I love second year. I’m delighted I stayed where I was.
I almost didn’t. While anxiety is rarely life-threatening,
it can be hugely detrimental. I almost dropped out of TCD because I felt I
couldn’t cope with the intellectual gulf between myself and my peers. My
competitive, worrying nature almost stopped me from doing what I love. What I
hope comes from this article is that this doesn’t happen to anyone else: that
students realise that it gets better, should they want it enough. I admit that
this is horribly difficult at times – counselling, therapy or even admitting
you’re feeling blue is nerve wracking to say the least. However, it’s often the
hardest part of the process: letting the floodgates open is often the biggest
relief in the world.
College is amazing for mental health. We have S2S, the
Student Counselling Service and a fantastic team of officers who refuse to let
the stigma of mental health problems stick in Trinity. So this week, I want
everyone to take a step back and think about how they’re feeling. If it’s a bit
down, I want them to talk to someone else about it. So remember: it’s okay not
to enjoy the club nights, the lectures or even college life. The more we talk, the
more good we do, and the more good we do, the more we can change the way we act
on mental health as a nation.
